Fessing up...

Three hundred and sixty five days.
Eight thousand seven hundred and sixty hours.
Thirty one million, five hundred thirty six thousand seconds.

I'm right back  where I started.

A fir scented corner, watching millions of pixels for dreams and laughter and beauty. I'm all alone again, wondering how I can care for you as much as I have, and ready to move on because I am tired of questions, I'm tired of waiting, I'm ready for....wait, no, fast forward, cause that was me a year ago. I'm not quite the same place, am I?

No. I am not.

Yes, I am in a cold corner, huddled with Christmas dinner comfort food and forest scents warmed by the tinsel and lights. True, I am alone again. And thinking of you! But I have so few regrets than then. I'm not leaping ahead because I want to forget you.

I did that, you know. I tried to forget you. It almost worked, until I woke up and realized how he used me. And you...you never did. You never have. You get cold sweats and stress knots in your shoulders, figuring out the whens and wheres and hows of life...and you run away, afraid that you might end up like the distant empty sunburst eyes, hurting me, waking up to realize that the words that promised eternity were as flimsy as the soap bubbles he carved them in.. But you never have been like that. I think you never could.

I'll admit some things.

I have missed you over the past year. The months that we have gone with out words and singing along with Muse.

You did hurt me that last time, and I cried for what seemed like forever. but..I cannot help but forgive you.

I worry for you. I pray...well, not constantly, because I am weak, and my faith sometimes shaky. But when I can, I pray that you'll finally know what it is that will make your life right...not that I now what that is, but I pray you'll find it and be happy none the less.

When I say I care for you, I mean "I love you"...but I am afraid to say it because I don't know where you will run next.

When I saw you and her embracing under Christmas lights, it kind of twisted and tore at my heart...but I still care for you.

When you say you still care for me, it kind of makes my heart float a bit. I am a sappy romantic like that, in case you hadn't realized.